Innocent Husband Was Mean to Me

What does he have against petunias?

This weekend I told Innocent Husband that I needed to go to the store to buy more flowers. Specifically, petunias.

He was aghast. Aghast!

He spread his arms out wide like an avenging eagle and indicated the new flowers surrounding us in their black plastic containers. “What do you need MORE flowers for, Cathy?”

As you can see, I DO need more flowers. My garden de-sizzles my racing brain and cools off my annoying lean toward anxiety.

I could hardly believe my ears. I was befuddled. Baffled. What did he mean when he said, “What do you need MORE flowers for?”

That’s like asking me why I need air. Or a skeletal frame. Or cells. Or eyeballs or kidneys. “I don’t understand your question.”

“You haven’t even planted the flowers that you already bought!” The husband - avenging eagle spread his arms out further. What was he trying to do? Fly away? Elevate himself? Become a human airplane? Silly man.

This conversation was confusing to me so I glared at him. Yes, I had bought purple and magenta hydrangeas and a flowing fern and bright red, cheerful geraniums and purple fuchsias and an azalea that called my name in a sing-song voice. They had not been planted yet.

Why was this an issue?

Why was Innocent Husband botanically bullying me? Why was he speaking such nonsense? “As a gardener, you don’t need to plant all the flowers you’ve bought before you buy new ones.”

Doesn’t everyone know this? Isn’t it common knowledge? “Are you feeling crazy, baby?”

Innocent Husband sighed which indicated that he did not believe he was feeling crazy.

I believed there was a possibility. Why on Earth would a sane husband ask such an inane question of his wife?

I shook my head at him, the poor man. “The sun is effecting your ability to think. You should go lay down or watch golf and yell at golfballs.”

“I don’t yell at golf balls,” he muttered.

“Yeah, you do. I’ve seen it.”

Innocent Husband talked to his golf ball right here. I remember. This is proof that he talks to his balls.

Then Innocent Husband stepped WAY over the line. There are some things that husbands should never, ever say, words that can never be forgotten, and he blew it. Big time. Brace yourself, fellow gardeners.

He said, adamantly, his shoulders back, “Cathy, you can’t buy any more flowers until you plant the ones you have.”

I gasped. I put my hand to my heart. “What did you just say?” I whispered, pretending to be stricken.

“No more flowers until you plant the flowers you have.” He put his hands on his hips as if he were a floricultural warrior. As if he were the ruler of a plant kingdom, the boss of me and my blooming yard.

As if he could tell me what to do. (!!!)

He gave me a stern nod and an “I have made my wishes known,” look.

I then did what only a docile, subservient, obedient wife like me can do when faced with an obstinate husband, insisting that I follow his rules: I laughed.

Flower power.

“You’re so funny.” I patted his cheek. “I have always loved your sense of humor.”

He rolled his eyes. I think he also may have looked heavenward, as if God would give him some wisdom. God did not give him wisdom, clearly indicated by his next silly comment.

“You really need more flowers?” he asked, bewildered.

“Uh, yes. I do.” Maybe Innocent Husband had sun stroke. Maybe he had been taken over by an alien.

Did this alien have Innocent Husband in his grips?

What an odd conversation we were having. “Flowers bring peace and beauty. A garden is soothing. Birds and hummingbirds calm my brain, and you know how my brain is, all frazzled and messed up, an anxious mess. Now go and be a good husband and grab your shovel. You have work to do.”

Innocent Husband seemed defeated for some reason. His eagle wings now hung uselessly at his sides. I smiled at him and forgave him for his blasphemy as he trudged off to get his shovel.

There is nothing more romantic to me than watching Innocent Husband digging in my garden and planting my new plant friends. It’s quite sexy! Real gardeners know what I mean.

Husbands with shovels are romantic.

I would go out and buy more flowers. He would plant the hydrangeas and the azaleas while I was gone.

“Love you, baby,” I called out.

He grunted. I think what he was trying to say was, “Go and buy as many flowers as you want, honey!”

So I did. The petunias look very pretty.

Happy gardening to all.